Sorry, this one's sad.

It's been an emotional couple of days in our household and I was trying to hold off posting until I felt in a better frame of mind. As I have been reading other blogs in the last couple of months I was often struck as to how honest people were and thought it very courageous that they were able to share with such openness and candor. I decided that this was my "healthy lifestyle" blog and I would keep it very focused on that. While I was walking tonight I thought it was probably a bit silly that I wasn't posting. If I am really doing this blog to aid me to keep "Back On Track" as well as hopefully help other bloggers if I am not honest as to where I am at, then it's not really serving it's purpose. That was a bit of rambling there but I am just trying to get this right in my head. Last week when I was very excited that I had started my blog it was very hard for me to keep my mouth shut and not tell all and sundry what I was doing. I decided that if I was aware lots of people I knew were reading then I would be a lot more inhibited in what I write. My DH is aware ( otherwise he would be getting worried as to what on earth I am doing rushing off to the PC whenever I can!!) and I also told my best friend who lives in NZ as there is nothing I keep from her. Is this how most of you have handled this?
Ten days ago one of my DS1's best friends died in a carcrash and it has been very difficult coming to terms with his loss and our sorrow for his Mum who only had him. My DH has been very affected as the young man in question got on really well with us and looked up to DH as a father figure. The funeral was yesterday and of course it was extremely traumatic. He was Indian and although the majority of the service was a traditional Catholic funeral there was also a Hindu component which was very different to what we were expecting. Our sorrow is compounded by the difficult relationship we have with our DS1. He is 19 and has not lived at home for most of this year. This was our choice as our family was so broken down it was just not possible for him to continue to live here. That's as deep as I want to go into that one at the moment. The wonderful young man who died had a wonderful relationship with his Mother. Their love & respect for each other was so evident. In that she was very lucky but as to how she will now cope - we can only pray for her and try & offer support if we can. In the last week our DS1 has really turned to us and I was hopeful this could be a real turnaround. Unfortunately yesterday, which was probably one of the most difficult things he has ever faced, we had suddenly become the enemy again which was very, very hard for us. I know we all want the best for our children but it sometimes so very hard to keep putting ourselves out there to be hurt again. I wanted to call him today to see how he is going but I felt it better to hang back for a day or so till both of our emotions calm down. It was so difficult to see the other young men from his school year who look so "normal and adjusted with normal lives" while he is still struggling to find himself. We just want our son back.

I'm sorry to be so maudlin but that is where I am at today. I know that tomorrow will be a little better and in a few days things will be back to our kind of normal. On a positive the stress hasn't made me overeat so that's something. I am finding the pressure to get my 15500 steps a day for the Winter challenge getting a bit much but I will persevere through this 3rd week and then possibly reassess. I love my exercise but I don't want to be doing the extra when I just haven't got the time. I wanted to get on the PC tonight but I knew I couldn't come & sit down until I had reached target so I wouldn't feel too guilty. The things we put ourselves through!!

I have been left some lovely messages which I really appreciate. I am trying to get to everyone's blogs but it's taking me a while as I just can't stop at one post. I was up until 1.00am on Sunday reading and by then I think I was too tired to leave many comments. I just don't know how some of you find time to write most days and leave so many comments on others as well. Do you sleep - LOL??

We have got something to look forward to this weekend as DH & I are going to Sydney. It was organised just a few weeks ago - my first reaction was "Oh no I won't be at goal yet" - Get a life Lesley!!!!My DH's family are all from Auckland but his sister & her husband are currently on contract in Sydney. His 2 brothers are flying in with their wives as well so we will be able to do the family thing which is a rarity for all of us to be together. It will be short but it should be fun and hopefully not too damaging diet wise!!!

Hope I didn't make anyone else miserable. I will try & post again B4 I go away.

Take Care - hug your children.

xxxxx